My Immortal
by SpitFire Kagome
Summary: I posted this once before but I took it off to make some changes and wouldn't let me post it back up. A certain hanyou reflects on where things went wrong.
1. Default Chapter

I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all of my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish you would just leave Because your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone  
  
It's been twelve years since she left me. I still remember that day. It was all my fault. We had been arguing again. But this time it was different. This time we had the whole Shikon no Tama. That was my first mistake. Keeping that damn cursed jewel around. You would think I had learned my lesson with the whole Kikyo incident. I can still feel her around. My angel. I know she doesn't blame me. But I do. She never could stay mad at anybody. She was so different from Kikyo. I kept telling her I didn't see Kikyo in her but she always could read me like an open book. I never really did see the difference until I killed her. I killed my angel. My Kagome. I didn't mean to do it. But Kikyo had been killed in the last battle with Naraku and Kagome was going to go back to her time. We started arguing I don't even remember what about. But I remember the words I said that took my angel away. I had the jewel in my hand. I had forgotten all about it. I said the worst thing I could think of to make her hate me. I just wanted her to hate me. I thought it might make it easier on both of us. I told her I wish she was dead, then I wouldn't have to see her face again.  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
I saw the look of horror on everybody's faces. But that wasn't the worst. The damn jewel started to glow black. And then my angel just looked at me and said I know you didn't mean it so I forgive you. And then she died right in front of me. I can still feel her. Even after my friends left. They couldn't stand to stay anywhere near me. Can't say as I blame them. The jewel is even more tainted now than when Naraku had it. Imagine that even the fucking jewel hates me now. Well it needs to join the club.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I've held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me  
  
Kagome how can you still forgive me after what I've done. Why can't you just hate me like everyone else. Kikyo would have. Keh there I go again comparing them. I finally figured out why Kagome is different from Kikyo. Kikyo never could forgive anyone for anything. Kagome can. I think she even forgave Naraku.  
  
You used to captivate me By your resonating light But now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
  
I've tried to end it all before but my angel wouldn't let me. She still watches over everybody. Maybe someday I'll be able to see her again. I hope I do. I gave the jewel to Sango. Her village protected it before so it only seemed right. That and the fact that I never wanted to see the piece of shit again. Kagome why won't you let me join you. I hear a whisper on the wind. It's my angel. "Because its not your time yet. Live your life to the fullest" she says.  
  
These wounds won't seam to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
I'll try to Kagome but its not the same without you here. I remember all the times that I had to save her from some stupid weak demon. How ironic wouldn't you say. I save her all those time only to kill her myself. With words no less. Every time she cried I felt my heart break. It took us four fucking years to get all the shards. I wouldn't trade a moment of it. I had four years with Kagome by my side.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I've held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me  
  
They weren't enough. Even though the quest turned out pointless because I still didn't get my wish. Well I did but it was more like a curse. Even Kaede couldn't stand to look at me after what I did. They never said that they blamed me for what I did. They never said they didn't either. Even the monk couldn't look me in the eye. I can never blame them. Kagome was our center. She was the anchor that kept us from going mad in all the heartaches we had to endure. She was Sango and Miroku's little sister. She was Shippo's mother. She was Kaede's daughter. She was my life. I loved her from the moment she released me from the Goshinboku. I was just too stupid to realize it. I still had the stupid notion that I loved Kikyo. But I then I realized that I never really did love her. It was just lonliness that brought us together. But with Kagome. I can't even begin to describe what it was like with Kagome. I see her everywhere now. Sometimes I have to stop myself from telling her to make some ramen. I know she's still with me in my heart. But she'll never be with me by my side again. And that is what kills me the most.  
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that your gone And though your still with me I've been alone all along 


	2. Tourniquet

I tried to move on. Really I did. But how can one move on from having their soul ripped from their body. Kagome was more than a friend. More than a lover. She was my everything. Kikyo never even came close to being what Kagome was. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself otherwise. I've come so close to ending it all so many times that I've lost count.

I tried to kill the pain

But only brought more

I lay dying

And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal

I'm dying praying bleeding and screeming

Am I too lost to be saved

Am I too lost?

But I could never betray Kagome's memory like that. I've always stopped myself at the last minute. It's been a couple centuries from that day. But the memory is still fresh. It will always be fresh. Maybe someday I can see Kagome again and stop her from ever going into the well. But I know that she would hate me for that. But then again at least she would be alive. I'm so confused. I'm tired of living this existence. Now I know how Kikyo must have felt living a sham of a life.

My god my tourniquet

Return to me salvation

My god my tourniquet

Return to me salvation

I haven't seen any of my old friends since that day. I still watch over their line every once and a while though. Shippo has stayed with them throughout all their descendents. He still misses Kagome. I can see it whenever I pop in. I stay hidden though so he doesn't know I'm there. My brother mated with that Rin girl. He's got four pups and is expecting more. He actually tried to help me after Kagome's death. I gave him the Tetsusaiga. I didn't see much point in keeping a sword that was made to protect when I don't have anyone to protect.

Do you remember me

Lost for so long

Maybe I'll get to join her in the afterlife. Maybe Kami will be merciful and let me stay with her through all her reincarnations. Not that I would deserve it. I have no purpose in this life.

Will you be on the other side

Or will you forget me

I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming

Am I too lost to be saved

Am I too lost

My father died to protect my mother. I tried to be like him. But all I am is a worthless halfbreed. Kagome never saw me as that though. And she loved my ears. I miss her ear rubs, her scent, her laughter, hell I even miss her anger. The way she would get that fire in her eyes. The way her cheeks would get that rosy tint to them. The way she just seemed to glow. I want to join you my angel.

My god my tourniquet

Return to me salvation

My god my tourniquet

Return to me salvation

I can't live like this anymore. Not without Kagome. I can only pray that I'll see her on the other side. And that she'll still want me. But then again my angel forgives everybody for everything. I stole an old kitchen knife from a nearby village. Nobody will ever notice its gone. Just like me. The only one who would've cared is the one I'll be joining. Kagome I'm coming. Just wait for me. It won't be long now.

My wounds cry for the grave

My soul cries for deliverance

Will I be denied Christ

Tourniquet

My suicide


End file.
